UGH!

 

                         

                       Its been one of those days. Lately I have had to dig deep to find joy. I feel looking back it was so easy to find it then and now I spend my days in constant nostalgia wondering where I may find it that day. 

              I kind of gave up today. I kind of gave up looking and welcomed the dull ache of disappointment, regret and yes....a bit of anger at myself.

                        

                                     source

        My husband was supposed to retire next year. I was counting the months, weeks, days and I'm sure when it got closer I would count the hours.

It doesn't look like it may happen.

When we first got married we dreamt of owning a little cabin where we would go on the weekends and enjoy nature starting in the spring and not stop until the first frost. We'd retire there and maybe even build more on the land to accommodate our grown kids.

                     

                                             source                                     

Every time we would go camping at our favorite camp grounds (where every large boulder must have our children's foot prints on them) We'd admire all the people with rv's big and small and cabins nearby. Around the campfire we would dream out loud of "someday".

            Our little dream of a cabin on a 5 acres or more of land became a dream of buying a small used RV and in it we would budget-travel all around the country with an extended stay in Florida where our kids and our future grandkids would meet and spend beautiful vacations.

Financially, it doesn't seem like it will happen. With the added responsibility of being the only ones caring for my elderly mom...an RV (even a tiny used one) and travel doesn't seem attainable. Time is ticking and revving by faster than I have ever felt it, and with the realization that there is more of my life behind me than ahead a slight panic rises up and tells me that these dreams that were so attainable, probable and sure....are just a misty wish that gets fainter by the day.

 Tomorrow I will feel better with this new revelation; we are healthy for most part and looking forward to our daughter's wedding, our son is doing extremely well in college, and we are thankful for those blessings. But a pebble in your shoe is a pebble in your shoe...I cant help my feelings; I can't ignore them. I am tired and the monotony of caregiver life (no matter how loving and sweet it can be is still paired now with the knowledge that things will stay the same. Dreams will perhaps have to change.  Today I feel like hiding, hanging a sign that says

 "Out until I say I'm back so don't bother me", pulling the covers over my head, and sleeping until this feeling is gone.

It's Been So Long

 

                 It's been so long, and so much has happened.

This year we said goodbye to my sweet Mother-in-law and that was and is still really tough. I have gone quiet. I don't like to show how truley sad I am because it seems so selfish. She was almost 95 sang hymns all day and loved life. I have no doubt that she is in heaven singing in that heavenly choir and surrounded by all her family that she missed dearly here on earth.

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                              imgres

In the last two years i have seen dear friends lose their beautiful son, and I have seen my own brother almost lose his son as well, my nephew is making a slow recovery.

In our own family there has been life saving surgeries and my own husband has had to face the reality of his battle against heart disease. He had a stent placed earlier this year.

A family friend faced death as he was misdiagnosed and was walking around like a ticking time bomb for a month. It was by the grace of God that he listened to a friend's advice to went back to the hospital.

Two friends and myself became caregivers to our elderly parents.

this new season of life is tough.

But there have been good things happen as well.

my daughter got engaged to an a young man who i feel is her soulmate and she is his.

they bought a house and are fixing it up.

I went wedding dress shopping...just her and I and both cried when she found the one.

life is weird now, its tougher than I ever thought it could be, but there in the mist of struggle is a sweet spot. Sometimes if I blink; I might miss it,  but its there. 

There and waiting to be noticed