Today is the Day

 

     Today is the day. Today we find out if my mother’s cancer has spread or not. If it has not then she will be able to take a chemo pill to help stop the cancer from coming back. If there is cancer …the doctor feels that she cannot tolerate treatment. He said “She is so frail that she’d end up in the hospital if she is put on treatment” . I find that statement odd. So the alternative is let her die?

When my mother was resistant to going ahead with earlier medical intervention, a friend told me…”maybe she just wants to die”. That was not the case. She was scared….And in denial. She wants to live the amount that God wants her to live, not the amount that cancer chooses. Her life is worth saving. Even if she is 87. 

I am scared.

She has been through so much.

And now this.

I don’t want her to be in pain till her last breath.

Cancer is evil

It is not God given

It's a thief

It's a destroyer

It's a heart wrenching bastard and I hate him.

I HATE HIM

So today I’ll walk into that Oncology appt with my mom. I promised her that I will be with her every step of the way….every step.

Good news or bad…Mom, I’ll be right beside you…the same way you have always been there for me.

Day Three With Mom

 

                                                

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          Today a nurse came first thing in the morning to check on mom. She was all masked up and ready to go. I am always amazed at their knowledge and quickness. I also find that it doesn’t matter what procedure is being done…every nurse has a different way of doing things and each one has tricks and hacks to find solutions for common and uncommon problems.

                                  

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Nothing seems to phase them or gross them out. They can handle any smell and visually disturbing scene. Their facial expression will never betray their calm demeanor.

My mom has been very lucky to have such great nurses both immediately after surgery and in her last rehab hospital. When I was younger my mom wanted me to become a nurse… I wanted to join the Air force and become a nurse there but I allowed myself to be talked out of the first part of the plan (my one true regret in life). I was accepted into a local program and sometime during my second year in college I knew that I would never become a nurse. It was my mother’s calling, not mine. I know that it disappointed her, but she knew it wasn’t ever going to be my passion.

Now in a way I think I am becoming an official/unofficial nurse without a degree. So in a way Mami is getting her wish….she always manages to get what she wants…😊

                            

Day Two with Mom

 

 Its been two days since my mom was discharged from the rehabilitation hospital. 

She came to my home with a lot of physical issues. 

I was/am  completely unprepared. I was sent home with too few supplies for her needs and the instructions which seemed easy...(as it turns out) are not....well, not to me anyway. Mom is patient as I try to navigate my way through this new stage in both our lives. 

It's been two days and nothing that I learned about the procedure to take care of her particular problem has worked. I have had two nurses come in to assess and start the process of help coming in to care for her and give her therapy. 

I feel guilty, because I feel completely inept, and because there are moments that I want to run and keep on running. Its that fight or flight thing. I have taken care of her for so long (15years) since she moved near me and now when I need to really keep it together… I find myself falling apart. I have trouble catching my breath and I feel heartburn in my throat…is that a thing? But thats what it feels like. Last night I started to have a panic attack. I had a few growing up…but for the last few years I have had a resurgence of them; not many, but enough. I went to my husband and he talked me through it. I brush it away thinking how utterly pathetic I am when my mom is facing the fight of her life.

 “Get your act together Jo, stop your wah wah cryin’. You have a job to do…now do it.

Today another nurse came and promised to bring tomorrow some supplies that my mom needs desperately. I feel like I’m turning into Blanche Dubois from A Street Car Named Desire.. “Depending on the kindness of strangers.” I’m completely dependent on others right now…on their expertise, kindness and compassion. And my mom is dependent on me to make the right decisions for her.

It feels like when I had my first child. I was completely out of my comfort zone. Overnight my well organized nursery was a mess of diaper and wipe boxes. Within a few days I had already run out of onesies and the laundry hamper was full of tiny clothes soaked in spit up and explosive poop. The diaper genie was consistantly full and it made me gag to empty it. 

I remember sitting on the side of the bed, breast feeding my baby and feeling like a total MeSs. Showers were like a mini vacation and everything I owned had stains of spit-up breast milk, and tears...(the tears were mine mostly).

I am back there again. In that disorganized mess. I'm feeling tired and only days in to this current adventure in life. The house is disorganized and I seem to have that mommy brain again where there was room for one single thought…take care of the baby…only this time…my “baby” won’t grow,  there won’t be any joyous milestones to mark life's progression, but there will be joy…and there... is where I want to be beside... my dear Mom.

My Mom, Surgery, and What Happens Now

                    

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            So.... the last 8 months have been stressful... and when I say stressful...I mean  STReSS-FILLED. There hasn't been a few days to go by where there hasn't been an emergency, new illness, death of friend or friend's close family. After a week of my elderly mom finally having an appetite and eating regular meals...she may be sick again.  

My mind goes catastrophic. Cancer has taken a turn with our family and with many, many friends at church. After my breast cancer, just the thought that anyone I love may get cancer makes me lose sleep. Just recently a church member lost her husband after a long long battle with cancer. They fought together and in the end she was (as always) by his side and her faith assures her that she will see her husband again. 

Worry for my mom starts to rise and choke me.

I turn to my husband and tell him..."I can't take it anymore. I can't cope. 

I'm not strong enough. Its never calm. Its like we are in a constant state of alarm 24-7.

He is used to this. At least once every few months I have a mini breakdown. Months ago I decided to try and change the way I

react. Trying to find the joy in everyday. It was working for a while but now I just feel overwhelmed and so very weary. I ask God for relief and I am impatient.

A month and a half later:

                      3 weeks ago I had to bring my mom to the ER. they told her she needed surgical intervention. She decided she wasn't ready and signed herself out. A few days ago, the wait was over and she had surgery. as expected she had a tumor and though they removed it there is still he chance that there are cancer cells floating around trying to attach themselves to another internal structure. The absolute high of knowing she survived such a big operation was marred two days later when the doctor told me about the chances of more cancer. I have decided to accept the miracle and rejoice in that.

                       I love my mother and I have been caring for her for so long. Sometimes I feel like I have failed her. I should have pushed harder for her to get surgery sooner. She resisted so much. She's so little and frail but the doctors are amazed at her progress so far. They thought she'd have the breathing tube in for days and yet the very next morning she had it removed. They thought she may not be able to walk and yet the physical therapist has had her walking further each day.

                     After rehab my mom will be moving in with us, and my family and I are preparing for for the change. Mom has always been a big part of our lives and even though she lives just a minute a way the change will undoubtably be a big one. She will come to us with physical needs that I will have to tend to 'round the clock every 4 hours day or night. I have no clue how I will do it, but I know I will. Later this week I will have a meeting with my brothers and we will discuss how they can help in this new stage in our and our mom's lives. 

          It's going to be hard

          

                   I am scared.

                         I have no idea how anything will get done.

But she has put her trust in God and for better or worst I have been given the honor of caring for her until she leaves this world.

Am I ready? No

But God is God in good times and bad. And I have to remember He is the rock I'll lean on. So ready or not, Here I go. 

          

  

HAPPY EASTER

   

                                                            HE IS RISEN

Artsy Fartsy Friday: Mammogram Day, Day In The Life

            

What? An Artsy Fartsy post? could it be? YES

Ok, Im going to fess up....The artist behind this post is me....ME! A year ago I decided to start a you tube channel...again. I'm not a great artist, but I do try....anyhoo.... I tried my hand at ...at... well I guess I'll let you decide if its good or not.  I made the video a year ago and have still not been able to make another but today I am back on to creating. I used peg dolls and my limited knowledge of film editing. The channel name is Joanne, This Little Light I hope you like it 

                

                  

                         source: You tube Joanne, This Little Light

Whatcha Think?...Spielberg eat ya heart out....or not 

Have a beautiful day! and thanks for stopping by

Blessings, Joanne

Caring For Mom

   

                                a painting I made a while ago and used in a previous post   

                   Hello there,  Its 1 o'clock in the morning and i just got home from my Mother's apartment. She is sick but refuses to go to the doctor or ER. She has been living near me for 14 years and for 14 years I have cared for her. 

Next day: I did get her to go to the doctor and tests were given.

This past year has been the hardest. I don't know if you have been or are in the same boat, but being a caregiver is hard. I mean I knew it would be hard, but I didn't count on it being often lonely, heart wrenchingly sad, suffer with feelings of abandonment, jealousy and anger .

                               

I get told by my siblings "Hey, keep us posted" when things with our mom's health go wrong... and I wonder what does that really mean? In the past year I have grown to hate that line and I have grown a bit resentful of the ones who send it.

Almost everyone I know is currently a caregiver or has recently lost a parent after a long battle.  My best friend got married and shorty after the wedding rented a home where both her Mom and her father-in-law came to live as well. Both parents have chronic illnesses and one of the parents has proven especially difficult as his behavior has regressed to the point of hateful actions and these are a deep concern for my friend.

In the last year a woman has attended our church with her wheel chair bound Mother. Her Mom is fiesty and has some comical quirks...like at times wheeling her chair to the front where the pastor is preaching and for all intent and purposes tries to run him down......(Ok, I may be exaggerating a bit) She sings her own worship songs in her her own key and has snuck a few cigarettes in the woman's bathroom. Her daughter doesn't let her mom's physical and other issues stop her. She has found a sort of balance in her life and decided that staying home and living a life of a hermit martyr is not for her. She goes to church. She attends women's functions and even went on the women's retreat...all with Mom lovingly in tow. 

My other friend who has bad health issues and a full time job would go everyday to take care of her mother...even though there were two other siblings living in her mother's home who could have helped.Later she moved her mother in with her and cared for her until her Mom passed away.

Yet another is caring for a elderly friend who has family, but are not very involved .

and there are so many others.

I gain strength knowing that they have been through or are going through this too.

I try to find moments of happiness and small blessings

I pray and tell all the stinking thinkin' thoughts and self doubt to take a hike....

Like Glinda said to the Wicked Witch..."You have no power here, be gone"

I cry...a lot

I pray...a lot

I push myself to spend time whenever I can with friends or at the very least keep connected through texts and phone calls. If I get an hour free... I rejoice and use every second for something that will lift my spirits. I'll read, watch a favorite episode of an old tv show or I take the time to write.

 I care for my Mom as best I can and remember to find the joy in doing so...and when I see that smile on my mom's face... I praise God that she still feels joy.

For as long as She has left in this world...I want her to be happy. and if I can be a bit responsible for that happiness ...well then that will be a blessing I'll hold with me for the rest of my life.

 

Journals of My Life

 

             Just in case you're wondering, no, there was no snow ball fight. The kids woke up extra early to help their dad clear the drive way yet again. All three were out there (both kids and their dad). I was inside making breakfast. Lyme disease has done a number on my joints so the Hubster insists that shoveling snow is not something I should do too often. 

Today was not a good day.

I was off.... you know?

I have those days where I feel like I'm being squeezed so hard by life. It's all I can do to take a deep breath.  Its such a weird time. Still caring for my little family and having the responsibility of having to care for an elderly parent. There are ways I use to combat that choking feeling and one of them has always been writing.

I look back at the little girl I was and sometimes I feel so sorry for her. There she was all alone in her room never being able to share her thoughts and fears with anyone. I was bullied, so I never really fully trusted people that I thought were friends.. The few times I had...I inevitably would hear my private thoughts being retold back to me by someone else in a mocking way. My innermost wishes, fears and crushes of the week were poured instead into journals. It became a form of self care. If I didn't write my thoughts down, I'd feel almost non existent. It was as if the words on paper made everything I was feeling and going through real. I was real!

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I have kept a journal since I was 13 years old. I have books filled with life as I saw and felt it. I just finished another book and lately I have wondered what will happen to all these books later on? I certainly do not want anyone I know to read them. Those pages were meant for that other part of me. The spiritual Joanne that would carry my innermost secrets away into the universe where God would turn them into glittery space dust.  

                                                                                   

Maybe when It is my turn to leave this world I will put in in writing that I want my books burned and the ashes buried in the ground so that my thoughts will become part of  nature. My words would find their way to twisting roots...and who knows, maybe if people look very closely at the leaves and flower petals they will see etched there the words of my dreams and laments..... and wouldn't that be a wonderous mystery.

Did you keep a diary/journal? Do you still?

First Big Snow Storm of 2022

 

                     Well, tonight we're getting our first significant snow storm of the season. Its officially a Nor' easter an its giving us a walloping. It just started and its not supposed to slow down til tomorrow night. Winds are expected to be 50 miles an hour. 

Next day:

When the kids were little I loved storms like this. We'd hunker down and play games and sometimes camp out in the living room if the power went out.

But now they are in their 20's and both have jobs that require them to show up no matter what. The roads are quiet except for the scraping of the snow plow that came by earlier. As i put the ketle on I wonder  why is it that hot chocolate always tastes better on days like this?

Yesterday and today I made sure my own mom had everything she needs for the next few days. She didn't want to wait out the storm at my home. She's warmer in her apartment.

We woke up to this...

                               

                                                             the front of my home

  

and this

                                                  my daughter's car

and this...

                                                       

son's car

and this.....

                                                    

                                                         There's a back yard there somewhere

and this...                                               

No, its not a picture of a baby parrot hatching out of an egg

I guess the snow on the roof is a little too much on my small kitchen extension. We now have a leak on our ceiling.

So instead of playing in the snow with our kids like in the old days; they helped us dig out a bit.

But tomorrow....I can promise you I WILL be starting a snowball fight with my family. I don't care how old they all think they are.

                            

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Stay-Home-From-School Day

 

               It's a cloudy cold day here on the East Coast. Its the kind of day where you just want to stay home, put on a thick blanket hoodie, watch old movies and eat homemade soup.

Yeah Its that kind of day. Stay-home-from school day. The kind where you weren't so sick you suffered, but sick enough for Mom to say..." Go back to bed, no school for you today"

                   

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I find myself yearning for that feeling of comfort and safety.

Did you have those days?

When I stayed home from school in the winter my mom always made a home-made soup for me.

Depending on what I was suffering from; It was either a simple broth or it was loaded with potatoes, ham or chicken. She substituted rice for noodles because she knew I hated when the noodle got really mushy. Yuck.

We watched Lets Make a Deal

                              

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I slept for as long as I wanted

and.........

Ok, sorry for the interruption. Reality pushed in.  I had to stop typing to do grown up crap like clean and gasp at the time...and ultimately wonder what's for dinner. Cook,...groan at the laundry and then try to do it all again for my elderly mom.

I'm tired.

I need a stay-home-from-school sick day from 1972

Can I make a go fund me page for that?

...and if it's possible I want a baby blue Lanz flannel nightgown so I can pretend to be Laura Ingalls from Little house on the prairie, 

                                    

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 ...and can someone throw in the Barbie Dream House that I always wanted too?....just sayin'.                       

                  

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Here's to sweet memories of having Mom all to myself and cheering for whoever won the grand prize behind door #3.

                                             

                     

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Christmas 2021 Was a Bit Different

 

         Welp.... this "finding joy right where I am" thing is getting a bit hard. 

Serves me right for trying this at Christmas time. I mean what was I thinking? 

                     

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Everyone is getting sick with covid.

It seems everyday I hear of another friend or their family member at home with covid.

Right now I know of two friends and two friend's kids with it and then my own young adult child woke up feeling crappy. Its hard to get an appointment to get tested. 

My friends who work in the medical field are overwhelmed with cases.

My own daughter who works in a clinic says they are overrun with people needing tests and care. She came down with it right after Thanksgiving.

As it turns out, my son came down with Covid and so did my Husband. Unfortunately, My husband ended up in the ER on Christmas morning due to a scary complication.

I was not allowed to be there with him.

Thank God, he was out by late afternoon and we celebrated Christmas really late, fully masked and more than adequate distance from each other. With the help of my Instant Pot, Christmas dinner was made in record time and was eaten by my hubster and my son in their rooms... and my daughter and I ate together. My elderly mom stayed in her apartment safe from the scare of Covid, but still enjoyed a full Christmas meal I made for her. 

Then continued the insane task of caring for my quarantined family and elderly mom.

and this is where the finding of that elusive joy came in.

I was grateful that no family member got worse.

I was grateful that I had the energy to care for my family.

I was grateful that I or my mother did not get Covid as well.

I was also so grateful for the help of my sweet daughter as she pitched in to help with everything that needed to be done.

So my Joy came in the form of strength and endurance when usually I struggle with those very things.

I hope you have a healthy start to the new year and tell me...did you find joy today?

                    

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