My Mom, Surgery, and What Happens Now

                    

                                                                       source

            So.... the last 8 months have been stressful... and when I say stressful...I mean  STReSS-FILLED. There hasn't been a few days to go by where there hasn't been an emergency, new illness, death of friend or friend's close family. After a week of my elderly mom finally having an appetite and eating regular meals...she may be sick again.  

My mind goes catastrophic. Cancer has taken a turn with our family and with many, many friends at church. After my breast cancer, just the thought that anyone I love may get cancer makes me lose sleep. Just recently a church member lost her husband after a long long battle with cancer. They fought together and in the end she was (as always) by his side and her faith assures her that she will see her husband again. 

Worry for my mom starts to rise and choke me.

I turn to my husband and tell him..."I can't take it anymore. I can't cope. 

I'm not strong enough. Its never calm. Its like we are in a constant state of alarm 24-7.

He is used to this. At least once every few months I have a mini breakdown. Months ago I decided to try and change the way I

react. Trying to find the joy in everyday. It was working for a while but now I just feel overwhelmed and so very weary. I ask God for relief and I am impatient.

A month and a half later:

                      3 weeks ago I had to bring my mom to the ER. they told her she needed surgical intervention. She decided she wasn't ready and signed herself out. A few days ago, the wait was over and she had surgery. as expected she had a tumor and though they removed it there is still he chance that there are cancer cells floating around trying to attach themselves to another internal structure. The absolute high of knowing she survived such a big operation was marred two days later when the doctor told me about the chances of more cancer. I have decided to accept the miracle and rejoice in that.

                       I love my mother and I have been caring for her for so long. Sometimes I feel like I have failed her. I should have pushed harder for her to get surgery sooner. She resisted so much. She's so little and frail but the doctors are amazed at her progress so far. They thought she'd have the breathing tube in for days and yet the very next morning she had it removed. They thought she may not be able to walk and yet the physical therapist has had her walking further each day.

                     After rehab my mom will be moving in with us, and my family and I are preparing for for the change. Mom has always been a big part of our lives and even though she lives just a minute a way the change will undoubtably be a big one. She will come to us with physical needs that I will have to tend to 'round the clock every 4 hours day or night. I have no clue how I will do it, but I know I will. Later this week I will have a meeting with my brothers and we will discuss how they can help in this new stage in our and our mom's lives. 

          It's going to be hard

          

                   I am scared.

                         I have no idea how anything will get done.

But she has put her trust in God and for better or worst I have been given the honor of caring for her until she leaves this world.

Am I ready? No

But God is God in good times and bad. And I have to remember He is the rock I'll lean on. So ready or not, Here I go.