Monday, April 18, 2016

College-Bound Blues

                My Daughter is 18. Soon, very soon she will be off to college.
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Part of me is still in a bit of denial I guess. but every now and then my heart sinks. Many of my friends have gone through this and they didn't die from heart maybe I'll be OK.


I can't imagine not seeing her everyday .

How can she go when in my heart she is still 5-years-old?

Five-year-olds don't go to college!!!!

They just don't!

Its so not fair.

Just when our relationship couldn't be better she's going to leave.

   and I feel that it'll be forever.

I mean after college she'll want to fly off and start her life and it won't be in that room with the stuffed animals, white princess bed and lavender walls.

18 years is not enough time.

It's not

I almost feel like I did when I was getting ready to send her off to kindergarten....except this time there won't be a school bus to drop her home at the end of the day. I won't be there smiling as she carefully steps down off the bus. I won't be giving that welcome home hug and saying "OK, go wash your hands so you can have a snack."

Snack time will be replaced with Face-time.

What wouldn't I give to go back in time to her kindergarten days...Just one day. I'd like to live there for one day.

But who am I kidding? If I had just one day, I wouldn't send her to school...I'd just hug her and never let go.
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Tuesday, April 05, 2016

There Are a Few Seconds...

               There are a few seconds...( maybe even a whole minute) in the morning when I feel nothing.

I feel floaty
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     I feel calm

          I feel no pain.

I lay there without moving a muscle ....simply aware of my breathing.

I'm not hot or cold

I feel just right.
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My shoulders don't ache from arthritis

My displaced muscles (where I had my mastectomy years ago) don't hurt.

My back doesn't twitch and twist

My head doesn't pound.
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I feel nothing.

and it is in that moment that I realize...

There was a time when I felt just like this....floaty and pain free...all the time.

For about a minute this morning I felt this.

I felt that maybe just body would forget its battle scars and let me  be ME again.
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But as the seconds ticked by my body remembered, and gave into the twinges and pulls.

I thanked her for the memories and moved to start my day.