Welp, The Results Are In...

                        In my last post I wrote how  my latest mammogram came back abnormal.

There it was, on my online medical record "My Chart"; in all caps...

                                           ABNORMAL

Rude! 

It yanked me right back to when I found out I had cancer the first time. This time (just like last time) I went for another mammo and sonogram. I decided that I could have one good cry and then I would stop and worry only when there was something to worry about. We had planned a small family dinner to celebrate both my Daughter and her Hubby's birthdays, and I chose to tell both my Son and Daughter the day before my appointment. I didn't want to ruin our family time but more importantly I didn't want my kids to worry all week long when there might not be anything to worry about. This time they were adults and not small children. I could have told them, but they've been through so much in the past when it came to my health and my mama's heart just couldn't do it.

All week long the thought flashed through my head.

Could this be really happening again?

I thought of last time and me begging God to give me 5 more years with my kids. HE Gave me so much more.

I got to go camping and hiking and swimming and do everyday boring things with my family!

We celebrated graduations and sweet sixteens and weddings

We found a church that we loved

and my faith deepened

This time, this scare reminded me of all that fear and worry. It also reminded and pushed me to  finally live MY life! These past four years while my mom has lived with us I have given up so much and I have put my life into a boxed labeled 

                                     "Maybe Later"

I won't do that anymore. After my sonogram the doctor walked in, took another look as the tech highlighted and gave it another round with the transducer (wand) so that the doctor could see more and be sure.

                          He then. said....It's a cyst. No cancer. Come back in 6 months so we can monitor it and see if anything changes.

I was so happy! and I couldn't wait to tell my husband who was waiting in the main waiting room. I was so anxious to tell him the news that I walked right past the changing room and went out there with my exam robe on!   

I couldn't care less! I didn't want him worrying (not one second) more than he had to.....but thank God I was wearing pants! no need to scare and blind people with my pale skinny legs.

Oh and about that box marked "Maybe Later" .... its now marked... 

                                                      

                                         "Today" 

Goals and dreams might have to be adapted and changed a bit, but they will not be put on the shelf with a tag marked "would of, could of, should of" 

Have a great week! Blessings Joanne

                            

                                    

 Here we go again?

             Last week I went in for my yearly mammogram. I was a bit over due, theres one thing about being a caregiver that I found is very common... 

                                            We're last in everything

                                                Our stuff gets pushed back

                                                      interrupted

                                                            postponed,

                                                                 and cancelled more times than I care to admit.

Doctor appointments get made only after all the other appointments that we make for our loved ones.

So there I was in the waiting area, (in my cotton robe/gown) with a few other women.  Usually I manage to make polite small talk with the women there, but that day I was quiet. The lady across from me was angry and complaining to a nurse about an appointment error and the other lady was busy on her phone. My name was called and I walked with the very polite pleasant tech into the small mammo room. As usual she confirmed my name and birthdate and also confirmed their record of my cancer history. In 2008 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy of one breast. (You can read about that experience at the top of home page of this blog).  The polite tech pushed and positioned my breast and the machine squeezed and squeezed until I wanted to curse out loud. She took some pics and then wanted to take an extra.

Then she asked me a question that she had asked me before. The repeated question didn't bother me but it was her tone. It was different after than it was before the mammo. I pushed the tone aside and out of my mind as I listened to her tell me that if things were found normal... they wouldn't call. 

A few days later...

                                                               They called. 

The sweet cheerful voice told me that they wanted me to come back for another mammo and sonogram. they needed a closer, better look.

                                         Just like all those years ago. 

When I got off the phone I started to cry. All those fears came rushing back. All those memories that had dulled a bit were now crystal clear. 

                        the tests, the biopsy, the surgery and the uncertainty of my very life

all those years ago when they asked me to come back for more testing I wasn't scared. I didn't know what I was going to hear at the end of that appointment...

                                      "You need a biopsy" and then the doctor walked out.

It was only my second mamo ever, and they were telling me there was something wrong.

So here I am after my 18th+  mammo hearing "you need further testing" and I know that statistically its likely nothing to worry about...but this ain't my first rodeo. Statistics were not on my side when they saw something on that mammo pic back in 2008.

Are the numbers going to be on my side this time?

On friday I will know when I go back for more tests. This time my husband will go with me. Even though he won't tell me, I know he's worried. He just retired, we are planning so much and we have waited so long. Taking care of my mom has taking it toll, but we still planned and looked forward to this time.  

Friday they'll tell me

Friday I'll know

God knows already, and He also knows that I have asked Him to carry this worry. 

and now you know too...well not all of it. Not until Friday.

So please Friday, be kind to me...in Jesus' name I pray.