UGH!

 

                         

                       Its been one of those days. Lately I have had to dig deep to find joy. I feel looking back it was so easy to find it then and now I spend my days in constant nostalgia wondering where I may find it that day. 

              I kind of gave up today. I kind of gave up looking and welcomed the dull ache of disappointment, regret and yes....a bit of anger at myself.

                        

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        My husband was supposed to retire next year. I was counting the months, weeks, days and I'm sure when it got closer I would count the hours.

It doesn't look like it may happen.

When we first got married we dreamt of owning a little cabin where we would go on the weekends and enjoy nature starting in the spring and not stop until the first frost. We'd retire there and maybe even build more on the land to accommodate our grown kids.

                     

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Every time we would go camping at our favorite camp grounds (where every large boulder must have our children's foot prints on them) We'd admire all the people with rv's big and small and cabins nearby. Around the campfire we would dream out loud of "someday".

            Our little dream of a cabin on a 5 acres or more of land became a dream of buying a small used RV and in it we would budget-travel all around the country with an extended stay in Florida where our kids and our future grandkids would meet and spend beautiful vacations.

Financially, it doesn't seem like it will happen. With the added responsibility of being the only ones caring for my elderly mom...an RV (even a tiny used one) and travel doesn't seem attainable. Time is ticking and revving by faster than I have ever felt it, and with the realization that there is more of my life behind me than ahead a slight panic rises up and tells me that these dreams that were so attainable, probable and sure....are just a misty wish that gets fainter by the day.

 Tomorrow I will feel better with this new revelation; we are healthy for most part and looking forward to our daughter's wedding, our son is doing extremely well in college, and we are thankful for those blessings. But a pebble in your shoe is a pebble in your shoe...I cant help my feelings; I can't ignore them. I am tired and the monotony of caregiver life (no matter how loving and sweet it can be is still paired now with the knowledge that things will stay the same. Dreams will perhaps have to change.  Today I feel like hiding, hanging a sign that says

 "Out until I say I'm back so don't bother me", pulling the covers over my head, and sleeping until this feeling is gone.

It's Been So Long

 

                 It's been so long, and so much has happened.

This year we said goodbye to my sweet Mother-in-law and that was and is still really tough. I have gone quiet. I don't like to show how truley sad I am because it seems so selfish. She was almost 95 sang hymns all day and loved life. I have no doubt that she is in heaven singing in that heavenly choir and surrounded by all her family that she missed dearly here on earth.

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In the last two years i have seen dear friends lose their beautiful son, and I have seen my own brother almost lose his son as well, my nephew is making a slow recovery.

In our own family there has been life saving surgeries and my own husband has had to face the reality of his battle against heart disease. He had a stent placed earlier this year.

A family friend faced death as he was misdiagnosed and was walking around like a ticking time bomb for a month. It was by the grace of God that he listened to a friend's advice to went back to the hospital.

Two friends and myself became caregivers to our elderly parents.

this new season of life is tough.

But there have been good things happen as well.

my daughter got engaged to an a young man who i feel is her soulmate and she is his.

they bought a house and are fixing it up.

I went wedding dress shopping...just her and I and both cried when she found the one.

life is weird now, its tougher than I ever thought it could be, but there in the mist of struggle is a sweet spot. Sometimes if I blink; I might miss it,  but its there. 

There and waiting to be noticed

Today is the Day

 

     Today is the day. Today we find out if my mother’s cancer has spread or not. If it has not then she will be able to take a chemo pill to help stop the cancer from coming back. If there is cancer …the doctor feels that she cannot tolerate treatment. He said “She is so frail that she’d end up in the hospital if she is put on treatment” . I find that statement odd. So the alternative is let her die?

When my mother was resistant to going ahead with earlier medical intervention, a friend told me…”maybe she just wants to die”. That was not the case. She was scared….And in denial. She wants to live the amount that God wants her to live, not the amount that cancer chooses. Her life is worth saving. Even if she is 87. 

I am scared.

She has been through so much.

And now this.

I don’t want her to be in pain till her last breath.

Cancer is evil

It is not God given

It's a thief

It's a destroyer

It's a heart wrenching bastard and I hate him.

I HATE HIM

So today I’ll walk into that Oncology appt with my mom. I promised her that I will be with her every step of the way….every step.

Good news or bad…Mom, I’ll be right beside you…the same way you have always been there for me.

Day Three With Mom

 

                                                

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          Today a nurse came first thing in the morning to check on mom. She was all masked up and ready to go. I am always amazed at their knowledge and quickness. I also find that it doesn’t matter what procedure is being done…every nurse has a different way of doing things and each one has tricks and hacks to find solutions for common and uncommon problems.

                                  

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Nothing seems to phase them or gross them out. They can handle any smell and visually disturbing scene. Their facial expression will never betray their calm demeanor.

My mom has been very lucky to have such great nurses both immediately after surgery and in her last rehab hospital. When I was younger my mom wanted me to become a nurse… I wanted to join the Air force and become a nurse there but I allowed myself to be talked out of the first part of the plan (my one true regret in life). I was accepted into a local program and sometime during my second year in college I knew that I would never become a nurse. It was my mother’s calling, not mine. I know that it disappointed her, but she knew it wasn’t ever going to be my passion.

Now in a way I think I am becoming an official/unofficial nurse without a degree. So in a way Mami is getting her wish….she always manages to get what she wants…😊

                            

Day Two with Mom

 

 Its been two days since my mom was discharged from the rehabilitation hospital. 

She came to my home with a lot of physical issues. 

I was/am  completely unprepared. I was sent home with too few supplies for her needs and the instructions which seemed easy...(as it turns out) are not....well, not to me anyway. Mom is patient as I try to navigate my way through this new stage in both our lives. 

It's been two days and nothing that I learned about the procedure to take care of her particular problem has worked. I have had two nurses come in to assess and start the process of help coming in to care for her and give her therapy. 

I feel guilty, because I feel completely inept, and because there are moments that I want to run and keep on running. Its that fight or flight thing. I have taken care of her for so long (15years) since she moved near me and now when I need to really keep it together… I find myself falling apart. I have trouble catching my breath and I feel heartburn in my throat…is that a thing? But thats what it feels like. Last night I started to have a panic attack. I had a few growing up…but for the last few years I have had a resurgence of them; not many, but enough. I went to my husband and he talked me through it. I brush it away thinking how utterly pathetic I am when my mom is facing the fight of her life.

 “Get your act together Jo, stop your wah wah cryin’. You have a job to do…now do it.

Today another nurse came and promised to bring tomorrow some supplies that my mom needs desperately. I feel like I’m turning into Blanche Dubois from A Street Car Named Desire.. “Depending on the kindness of strangers.” I’m completely dependent on others right now…on their expertise, kindness and compassion. And my mom is dependent on me to make the right decisions for her.

It feels like when I had my first child. I was completely out of my comfort zone. Overnight my well organized nursery was a mess of diaper and wipe boxes. Within a few days I had already run out of onesies and the laundry hamper was full of tiny clothes soaked in spit up and explosive poop. The diaper genie was consistantly full and it made me gag to empty it. 

I remember sitting on the side of the bed, breast feeding my baby and feeling like a total MeSs. Showers were like a mini vacation and everything I owned had stains of spit-up breast milk, and tears...(the tears were mine mostly).

I am back there again. In that disorganized mess. I'm feeling tired and only days in to this current adventure in life. The house is disorganized and I seem to have that mommy brain again where there was room for one single thought…take care of the baby…only this time…my “baby” won’t grow,  there won’t be any joyous milestones to mark life's progression, but there will be joy…and there... is where I want to be beside... my dear Mom.