Here we go again?

             Last week I went in for my yearly mammogram. I was a bit over due, theres one thing about being a caregiver that I found is very common... 

                                            We're last in everything

                                                Our stuff gets pushed back

                                                      interrupted

                                                            postponed,

                                                                 and cancelled more times than I care to admit.

Doctor appointments get made only after all the other appointments that we make for our loved ones.

So there I was in the waiting area, (in my cotton robe/gown) with a few other women.  Usually I manage to make polite small talk with the women there, but that day I was quiet. The lady across from me was angry and complaining to a nurse about an appointment error and the other lady was busy on her phone. My name was called and I walked with the very polite pleasant tech into the small mammo room. As usual she confirmed my name and birthdate and also confirmed their record of my cancer history. In 2008 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy of one breast. (You can read about that experience at the top of home page of this blog).  The polite tech pushed and positioned my breast and the machine squeezed and squeezed until I wanted to curse out loud. She took some pics and then wanted to take an extra.

Then she asked me a question that she had asked me before. The repeated question didn't bother me but it was her tone. It was different after than it was before the mammo. I pushed the tone aside and out of my mind as I listened to her tell me that if things were found normal... they wouldn't call. 

A few days later...

                                                               They called. 

The sweet cheerful voice told me that they wanted me to come back for another mammo and sonogram. they needed a closer, better look.

                                         Just like all those years ago. 

When I got off the phone I started to cry. All those fears came rushing back. All those memories that had dulled a bit were now crystal clear. 

                        the tests, the biopsy, the surgery and the uncertainty of my very life

all those years ago when they asked me to come back for more testing I wasn't scared. I didn't know what I was going to hear at the end of that appointment...

                                      "You need a biopsy" and then the doctor walked out.

It was only my second mamo ever, and they were telling me there was something wrong.

So here I am after my 18th+  mammo hearing "you need further testing" and I know that statistically its likely nothing to worry about...but this ain't my first rodeo. Statistics were not on my side when they saw something on that mammo pic back in 2008.

Are the numbers going to be on my side this time?

On friday I will know when I go back for more tests. This time my husband will go with me. Even though he won't tell me, I know he's worried. He just retired, we are planning so much and we have waited so long. Taking care of my mom has taking it toll, but we still planned and looked forward to this time.  

Friday they'll tell me

Friday I'll know

God knows already, and He also knows that I have asked Him to carry this worry. 

and now you know too...well not all of it. Not until Friday.

So please Friday, be kind to me...in Jesus' name I pray.