My Mom, Surgery, and What Happens Now

                    

                                                                       source

            So.... the last 8 months have been stressful... and when I say stressful...I mean  STReSS-FILLED. There hasn't been a few days to go by where there hasn't been an emergency, new illness, death of friend or friend's close family. After a week of my elderly mom finally having an appetite and eating regular meals...she may be sick again.  

My mind goes catastrophic. Cancer has taken a turn with our family and with many, many friends at church. After my breast cancer, just the thought that anyone I love may get cancer makes me lose sleep. Just recently a church member lost her husband after a long long battle with cancer. They fought together and in the end she was (as always) by his side and her faith assures her that she will see her husband again. 

Worry for my mom starts to rise and choke me.

I turn to my husband and tell him..."I can't take it anymore. I can't cope. 

I'm not strong enough. Its never calm. Its like we are in a constant state of alarm 24-7.

He is used to this. At least once every few months I have a mini breakdown. Months ago I decided to try and change the way I

react. Trying to find the joy in everyday. It was working for a while but now I just feel overwhelmed and so very weary. I ask God for relief and I am impatient.

A month and a half later:

                      3 weeks ago I had to bring my mom to the ER. they told her she needed surgical intervention. She decided she wasn't ready and signed herself out. A few days ago, the wait was over and she had surgery. as expected she had a tumor and though they removed it there is still he chance that there are cancer cells floating around trying to attach themselves to another internal structure. The absolute high of knowing she survived such a big operation was marred two days later when the doctor told me about the chances of more cancer. I have decided to accept the miracle and rejoice in that.

                       I love my mother and I have been caring for her for so long. Sometimes I feel like I have failed her. I should have pushed harder for her to get surgery sooner. She resisted so much. She's so little and frail but the doctors are amazed at her progress so far. They thought she'd have the breathing tube in for days and yet the very next morning she had it removed. They thought she may not be able to walk and yet the physical therapist has had her walking further each day.

                     After rehab my mom will be moving in with us, and my family and I are preparing for for the change. Mom has always been a big part of our lives and even though she lives just a minute a way the change will undoubtably be a big one. She will come to us with physical needs that I will have to tend to 'round the clock every 4 hours day or night. I have no clue how I will do it, but I know I will. Later this week I will have a meeting with my brothers and we will discuss how they can help in this new stage in our and our mom's lives. 

          It's going to be hard

          

                   I am scared.

                         I have no idea how anything will get done.

But she has put her trust in God and for better or worst I have been given the honor of caring for her until she leaves this world.

Am I ready? No

But God is God in good times and bad. And I have to remember He is the rock I'll lean on. So ready or not, Here I go. 

          

  

HAPPY EASTER

   

                                                            HE IS RISEN

Artsy Fartsy Friday: Mammogram Day, Day In The Life

            

What? An Artsy Fartsy post? could it be? YES

Ok, Im going to fess up....The artist behind this post is me....ME! A year ago I decided to start a you tube channel...again. I'm not a great artist, but I do try....anyhoo.... I tried my hand at ...at... well I guess I'll let you decide if its good or not.  I made the video a year ago and have still not been able to make another but today I am back on to creating. I used peg dolls and my limited knowledge of film editing. The channel name is Joanne, This Little Light I hope you like it 

                

                  

                         source: You tube Joanne, This Little Light

Whatcha Think?...Spielberg eat ya heart out....or not 

Have a beautiful day! and thanks for stopping by

Blessings, Joanne

Caring For Mom

   

                                a painting I made a while ago and used in a previous post   

                   Hello there,  Its 1 o'clock in the morning and i just got home from my Mother's apartment. She is sick but refuses to go to the doctor or ER. She has been living near me for 14 years and for 14 years I have cared for her. 

Next day: I did get her to go to the doctor and tests were given.

This past year has been the hardest. I don't know if you have been or are in the same boat, but being a caregiver is hard. I mean I knew it would be hard, but I didn't count on it being often lonely, heart wrenchingly sad, suffer with feelings of abandonment, jealousy and anger .

                               

I get told by my siblings "Hey, keep us posted" when things with our mom's health go wrong... and I wonder what does that really mean? In the past year I have grown to hate that line and I have grown a bit resentful of the ones who send it.

Almost everyone I know is currently a caregiver or has recently lost a parent after a long battle.  My best friend got married and shorty after the wedding rented a home where both her Mom and her father-in-law came to live as well. Both parents have chronic illnesses and one of the parents has proven especially difficult as his behavior has regressed to the point of hateful actions and these are a deep concern for my friend.

In the last year a woman has attended our church with her wheel chair bound Mother. Her Mom is fiesty and has some comical quirks...like at times wheeling her chair to the front where the pastor is preaching and for all intent and purposes tries to run him down......(Ok, I may be exaggerating a bit) She sings her own worship songs in her her own key and has snuck a few cigarettes in the woman's bathroom. Her daughter doesn't let her mom's physical and other issues stop her. She has found a sort of balance in her life and decided that staying home and living a life of a hermit martyr is not for her. She goes to church. She attends women's functions and even went on the women's retreat...all with Mom lovingly in tow. 

My other friend who has bad health issues and a full time job would go everyday to take care of her mother...even though there were two other siblings living in her mother's home who could have helped.Later she moved her mother in with her and cared for her until her Mom passed away.

Yet another is caring for a elderly friend who has family, but are not very involved .

and there are so many others.

I gain strength knowing that they have been through or are going through this too.

I try to find moments of happiness and small blessings

I pray and tell all the stinking thinkin' thoughts and self doubt to take a hike....

Like Glinda said to the Wicked Witch..."You have no power here, be gone"

I cry...a lot

I pray...a lot

I push myself to spend time whenever I can with friends or at the very least keep connected through texts and phone calls. If I get an hour free... I rejoice and use every second for something that will lift my spirits. I'll read, watch a favorite episode of an old tv show or I take the time to write.

 I care for my Mom as best I can and remember to find the joy in doing so...and when I see that smile on my mom's face... I praise God that she still feels joy.

For as long as She has left in this world...I want her to be happy. and if I can be a bit responsible for that happiness ...well then that will be a blessing I'll hold with me for the rest of my life.

 

Journals of My Life

 

             Just in case you're wondering, no, there was no snow ball fight. The kids woke up extra early to help their dad clear the drive way yet again. All three were out there (both kids and their dad). I was inside making breakfast. Lyme disease has done a number on my joints so the Hubster insists that shoveling snow is not something I should do too often. 

Today was not a good day.

I was off.... you know?

I have those days where I feel like I'm being squeezed so hard by life. It's all I can do to take a deep breath.  Its such a weird time. Still caring for my little family and having the responsibility of having to care for an elderly parent. There are ways I use to combat that choking feeling and one of them has always been writing.

I look back at the little girl I was and sometimes I feel so sorry for her. There she was all alone in her room never being able to share her thoughts and fears with anyone. I was bullied, so I never really fully trusted people that I thought were friends.. The few times I had...I inevitably would hear my private thoughts being retold back to me by someone else in a mocking way. My innermost wishes, fears and crushes of the week were poured instead into journals. It became a form of self care. If I didn't write my thoughts down, I'd feel almost non existent. It was as if the words on paper made everything I was feeling and going through real. I was real!

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I have kept a journal since I was 13 years old. I have books filled with life as I saw and felt it. I just finished another book and lately I have wondered what will happen to all these books later on? I certainly do not want anyone I know to read them. Those pages were meant for that other part of me. The spiritual Joanne that would carry my innermost secrets away into the universe where God would turn them into glittery space dust.  

                                                                                   

Maybe when It is my turn to leave this world I will put in in writing that I want my books burned and the ashes buried in the ground so that my thoughts will become part of  nature. My words would find their way to twisting roots...and who knows, maybe if people look very closely at the leaves and flower petals they will see etched there the words of my dreams and laments..... and wouldn't that be a wonderous mystery.

Did you keep a diary/journal? Do you still?