Welp, The Results Are In...

                        In my last post I wrote how  my latest mammogram came back abnormal.

There it was, on my online medical record "My Chart"; in all caps...

                                           ABNORMAL

Rude! 

It yanked me right back to when I found out I had cancer the first time. This time (just like last time) I went for another mammo and sonogram. I decided that I could have one good cry and then I would stop and worry only when there was something to worry about. We had planned a small family dinner to celebrate both my Daughter and her Hubby's birthdays, and I chose to tell both my Son and Daughter the day before my appointment. I didn't want to ruin our family time but more importantly I didn't want my kids to worry all week long when there might not be anything to worry about. This time they were adults and not small children. I could have told them, but they've been through so much in the past when it came to my health and my mama's heart just couldn't do it.

All week long the thought flashed through my head.

Could this be really happening again?

I thought of last time and me begging God to give me 5 more years with my kids. HE Gave me so much more.

I got to go camping and hiking and swimming and do everyday boring things with my family!

We celebrated graduations and sweet sixteens and weddings

We found a church that we loved

and my faith deepened

This time, this scare reminded me of all that fear and worry. It also reminded and pushed me to  finally live MY life! These past four years while my mom has lived with us I have given up so much and I have put my life into a boxed labeled 

                                     "Maybe Later"

I won't do that anymore. After my sonogram the doctor walked in, took another look as the tech highlighted and gave it another round with the transducer (wand) so that the doctor could see more and be sure.

                          He then. said....It's a cyst. No cancer. Come back in 6 months so we can monitor it and see if anything changes.

I was so happy! and I couldn't wait to tell my husband who was waiting in the main waiting room. I was so anxious to tell him the news that I walked right past the changing room and went out there with my exam robe on!   

I couldn't care less! I didn't want him worrying (not one second) more than he had to.....but thank God I was wearing pants! no need to scare and blind people with my pale skinny legs.

Oh and about that box marked "Maybe Later" .... its now marked... 

                                                      

                                         "Today" 

Goals and dreams might have to be adapted and changed a bit, but they will not be put on the shelf with a tag marked "would of, could of, should of" 

Have a great week! Blessings Joanne

                            

                                    

 Here we go again?

             Last week I went in for my yearly mammogram. I was a bit over due, theres one thing about being a caregiver that I found is very common... 

                                            We're last in everything

                                                Our stuff gets pushed back

                                                      interrupted

                                                            postponed,

                                                                 and cancelled more times than I care to admit.

Doctor appointments get made only after all the other appointments that we make for our loved ones.

So there I was in the waiting area, (in my cotton robe/gown) with a few other women.  Usually I manage to make polite small talk with the women there, but that day I was quiet. The lady across from me was angry and complaining to a nurse about an appointment error and the other lady was busy on her phone. My name was called and I walked with the very polite pleasant tech into the small mammo room. As usual she confirmed my name and birthdate and also confirmed their record of my cancer history. In 2008 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy of one breast. (You can read about that experience at the top of home page of this blog).  The polite tech pushed and positioned my breast and the machine squeezed and squeezed until I wanted to curse out loud. She took some pics and then wanted to take an extra.

Then she asked me a question that she had asked me before. The repeated question didn't bother me but it was her tone. It was different after than it was before the mammo. I pushed the tone aside and out of my mind as I listened to her tell me that if things were found normal... they wouldn't call. 

A few days later...

                                                               They called. 

The sweet cheerful voice told me that they wanted me to come back for another mammo and sonogram. they needed a closer, better look.

                                         Just like all those years ago. 

When I got off the phone I started to cry. All those fears came rushing back. All those memories that had dulled a bit were now crystal clear. 

                        the tests, the biopsy, the surgery and the uncertainty of my very life

all those years ago when they asked me to come back for more testing I wasn't scared. I didn't know what I was going to hear at the end of that appointment...

                                      "You need a biopsy" and then the doctor walked out.

It was only my second mamo ever, and they were telling me there was something wrong.

So here I am after my 18th+  mammo hearing "you need further testing" and I know that statistically its likely nothing to worry about...but this ain't my first rodeo. Statistics were not on my side when they saw something on that mammo pic back in 2008.

Are the numbers going to be on my side this time?

On friday I will know when I go back for more tests. This time my husband will go with me. Even though he won't tell me, I know he's worried. He just retired, we are planning so much and we have waited so long. Taking care of my mom has taking it toll, but we still planned and looked forward to this time.  

Friday they'll tell me

Friday I'll know

God knows already, and He also knows that I have asked Him to carry this worry. 

and now you know too...well not all of it. Not until Friday.

So please Friday, be kind to me...in Jesus' name I pray.

                   

UGH!

 

                         

                       Its been one of those days. Lately I have had to dig deep to find joy. I feel looking back it was so easy to find it then and now I spend my days in constant nostalgia wondering where I may find it that day. 

              I kind of gave up today. I kind of gave up looking and welcomed the dull ache of disappointment, regret and yes....a bit of anger at myself.

                        

                                     source

        My husband was supposed to retire next year. I was counting the months, weeks, days and I'm sure when it got closer I would count the hours.

It doesn't look like it may happen.

When we first got married we dreamt of owning a little cabin where we would go on the weekends and enjoy nature starting in the spring and not stop until the first frost. We'd retire there and maybe even build more on the land to accommodate our grown kids.

                     

                                             source                                     

Every time we would go camping at our favorite camp grounds (where every large boulder must have our children's foot prints on them) We'd admire all the people with rv's big and small and cabins nearby. Around the campfire we would dream out loud of "someday".

            Our little dream of a cabin on a 5 acres or more of land became a dream of buying a small used RV and in it we would budget-travel all around the country with an extended stay in Florida where our kids and our future grandkids would meet and spend beautiful vacations.

Financially, it doesn't seem like it will happen. With the added responsibility of being the only ones caring for my elderly mom...an RV (even a tiny used one) and travel doesn't seem attainable. Time is ticking and revving by faster than I have ever felt it, and with the realization that there is more of my life behind me than ahead a slight panic rises up and tells me that these dreams that were so attainable, probable and sure....are just a misty wish that gets fainter by the day.

 Tomorrow I will feel better with this new revelation; we are healthy for most part and looking forward to our daughter's wedding, our son is doing extremely well in college, and we are thankful for those blessings. But a pebble in your shoe is a pebble in your shoe...I cant help my feelings; I can't ignore them. I am tired and the monotony of caregiver life (no matter how loving and sweet it can be is still paired now with the knowledge that things will stay the same. Dreams will perhaps have to change.  Today I feel like hiding, hanging a sign that says

 "Out until I say I'm back so don't bother me", pulling the covers over my head, and sleeping until this feeling is gone.

It's Been So Long

 

                 It's been so long, and so much has happened.

This year we said goodbye to my sweet Mother-in-law and that was and is still really tough. I have gone quiet. I don't like to show how truley sad I am because it seems so selfish. She was almost 95 sang hymns all day and loved life. I have no doubt that she is in heaven singing in that heavenly choir and surrounded by all her family that she missed dearly here on earth.

.

                              imgres

In the last two years i have seen dear friends lose their beautiful son, and I have seen my own brother almost lose his son as well, my nephew is making a slow recovery.

In our own family there has been life saving surgeries and my own husband has had to face the reality of his battle against heart disease. He had a stent placed earlier this year.

A family friend faced death as he was misdiagnosed and was walking around like a ticking time bomb for a month. It was by the grace of God that he listened to a friend's advice to went back to the hospital.

Two friends and myself became caregivers to our elderly parents.

this new season of life is tough.

But there have been good things happen as well.

my daughter got engaged to an a young man who i feel is her soulmate and she is his.

they bought a house and are fixing it up.

I went wedding dress shopping...just her and I and both cried when she found the one.

life is weird now, its tougher than I ever thought it could be, but there in the mist of struggle is a sweet spot. Sometimes if I blink; I might miss it,  but its there. 

There and waiting to be noticed

Today is the Day

 

     Today is the day. Today we find out if my mother’s cancer has spread or not. If it has not then she will be able to take a chemo pill to help stop the cancer from coming back. If there is cancer …the doctor feels that she cannot tolerate treatment. He said “She is so frail that she’d end up in the hospital if she is put on treatment” . I find that statement odd. So the alternative is let her die?

When my mother was resistant to going ahead with earlier medical intervention, a friend told me…”maybe she just wants to die”. That was not the case. She was scared….And in denial. She wants to live the amount that God wants her to live, not the amount that cancer chooses. Her life is worth saving. Even if she is 87. 

I am scared.

She has been through so much.

And now this.

I don’t want her to be in pain till her last breath.

Cancer is evil

It is not God given

It's a thief

It's a destroyer

It's a heart wrenching bastard and I hate him.

I HATE HIM

So today I’ll walk into that Oncology appt with my mom. I promised her that I will be with her every step of the way….every step.

Good news or bad…Mom, I’ll be right beside you…the same way you have always been there for me.

Day Three With Mom

 

                                                

                                                                  source

          Today a nurse came first thing in the morning to check on mom. She was all masked up and ready to go. I am always amazed at their knowledge and quickness. I also find that it doesn’t matter what procedure is being done…every nurse has a different way of doing things and each one has tricks and hacks to find solutions for common and uncommon problems.

                                  

                                                                    source

Nothing seems to phase them or gross them out. They can handle any smell and visually disturbing scene. Their facial expression will never betray their calm demeanor.

My mom has been very lucky to have such great nurses both immediately after surgery and in her last rehab hospital. When I was younger my mom wanted me to become a nurse… I wanted to join the Air force and become a nurse there but I allowed myself to be talked out of the first part of the plan (my one true regret in life). I was accepted into a local program and sometime during my second year in college I knew that I would never become a nurse. It was my mother’s calling, not mine. I know that it disappointed her, but she knew it wasn’t ever going to be my passion.

Now in a way I think I am becoming an official/unofficial nurse without a degree. So in a way Mami is getting her wish….she always manages to get what she wants…😊

                            

Day Two with Mom

 

 Its been two days since my mom was discharged from the rehabilitation hospital. 

She came to my home with a lot of physical issues. 

I was/am  completely unprepared. I was sent home with too few supplies for her needs and the instructions which seemed easy...(as it turns out) are not....well, not to me anyway. Mom is patient as I try to navigate my way through this new stage in both our lives. 

It's been two days and nothing that I learned about the procedure to take care of her particular problem has worked. I have had two nurses come in to assess and start the process of help coming in to care for her and give her therapy. 

I feel guilty, because I feel completely inept, and because there are moments that I want to run and keep on running. Its that fight or flight thing. I have taken care of her for so long (15years) since she moved near me and now when I need to really keep it together… I find myself falling apart. I have trouble catching my breath and I feel heartburn in my throat…is that a thing? But thats what it feels like. Last night I started to have a panic attack. I had a few growing up…but for the last few years I have had a resurgence of them; not many, but enough. I went to my husband and he talked me through it. I brush it away thinking how utterly pathetic I am when my mom is facing the fight of her life.

 “Get your act together Jo, stop your wah wah cryin’. You have a job to do…now do it.

Today another nurse came and promised to bring tomorrow some supplies that my mom needs desperately. I feel like I’m turning into Blanche Dubois from A Street Car Named Desire.. “Depending on the kindness of strangers.” I’m completely dependent on others right now…on their expertise, kindness and compassion. And my mom is dependent on me to make the right decisions for her.

It feels like when I had my first child. I was completely out of my comfort zone. Overnight my well organized nursery was a mess of diaper and wipe boxes. Within a few days I had already run out of onesies and the laundry hamper was full of tiny clothes soaked in spit up and explosive poop. The diaper genie was consistantly full and it made me gag to empty it. 

I remember sitting on the side of the bed, breast feeding my baby and feeling like a total MeSs. Showers were like a mini vacation and everything I owned had stains of spit-up breast milk, and tears...(the tears were mine mostly).

I am back there again. In that disorganized mess. I'm feeling tired and only days in to this current adventure in life. The house is disorganized and I seem to have that mommy brain again where there was room for one single thought…take care of the baby…only this time…my “baby” won’t grow,  there won’t be any joyous milestones to mark life's progression, but there will be joy…and there... is where I want to be beside... my dear Mom.

My Mom, Surgery, and What Happens Now

                    

                                                                       source

            So.... the last 8 months have been stressful... and when I say stressful...I mean  STReSS-FILLED. There hasn't been a few days to go by where there hasn't been an emergency, new illness, death of friend or friend's close family. After a week of my elderly mom finally having an appetite and eating regular meals...she may be sick again.  

My mind goes catastrophic. Cancer has taken a turn with our family and with many, many friends at church. After my breast cancer, just the thought that anyone I love may get cancer makes me lose sleep. Just recently a church member lost her husband after a long long battle with cancer. They fought together and in the end she was (as always) by his side and her faith assures her that she will see her husband again. 

Worry for my mom starts to rise and choke me.

I turn to my husband and tell him..."I can't take it anymore. I can't cope. 

I'm not strong enough. Its never calm. Its like we are in a constant state of alarm 24-7.

He is used to this. At least once every few months I have a mini breakdown. Months ago I decided to try and change the way I

react. Trying to find the joy in everyday. It was working for a while but now I just feel overwhelmed and so very weary. I ask God for relief and I am impatient.

A month and a half later:

                      3 weeks ago I had to bring my mom to the ER. they told her she needed surgical intervention. She decided she wasn't ready and signed herself out. A few days ago, the wait was over and she had surgery. as expected she had a tumor and though they removed it there is still he chance that there are cancer cells floating around trying to attach themselves to another internal structure. The absolute high of knowing she survived such a big operation was marred two days later when the doctor told me about the chances of more cancer. I have decided to accept the miracle and rejoice in that.

                       I love my mother and I have been caring for her for so long. Sometimes I feel like I have failed her. I should have pushed harder for her to get surgery sooner. She resisted so much. She's so little and frail but the doctors are amazed at her progress so far. They thought she'd have the breathing tube in for days and yet the very next morning she had it removed. They thought she may not be able to walk and yet the physical therapist has had her walking further each day.

                     After rehab my mom will be moving in with us, and my family and I are preparing for for the change. Mom has always been a big part of our lives and even though she lives just a minute a way the change will undoubtably be a big one. She will come to us with physical needs that I will have to tend to 'round the clock every 4 hours day or night. I have no clue how I will do it, but I know I will. Later this week I will have a meeting with my brothers and we will discuss how they can help in this new stage in our and our mom's lives. 

          It's going to be hard

          

                   I am scared.

                         I have no idea how anything will get done.

But she has put her trust in God and for better or worst I have been given the honor of caring for her until she leaves this world.

Am I ready? No

But God is God in good times and bad. And I have to remember He is the rock I'll lean on. So ready or not, Here I go. 

          

  

HAPPY EASTER

   

                                                            HE IS RISEN

Artsy Fartsy Friday: Mammogram Day, Day In The Life

            

What? An Artsy Fartsy post? could it be? YES

Ok, Im going to fess up....The artist behind this post is me....ME! A year ago I decided to start a you tube channel...again. I'm not a great artist, but I do try....anyhoo.... I tried my hand at ...at... well I guess I'll let you decide if its good or not.  I made the video a year ago and have still not been able to make another but today I am back on to creating. I used peg dolls and my limited knowledge of film editing. The channel name is Joanne, This Little Light I hope you like it 

                

                  

                         source: You tube Joanne, This Little Light

Whatcha Think?...Spielberg eat ya heart out....or not 

Have a beautiful day! and thanks for stopping by

Blessings, Joanne

Caring For Mom

   

                                a painting I made a while ago and used in a previous post   

                   Hello there,  Its 1 o'clock in the morning and i just got home from my Mother's apartment. She is sick but refuses to go to the doctor or ER. She has been living near me for 14 years and for 14 years I have cared for her. 

Next day: I did get her to go to the doctor and tests were given.

This past year has been the hardest. I don't know if you have been or are in the same boat, but being a caregiver is hard. I mean I knew it would be hard, but I didn't count on it being often lonely, heart wrenchingly sad, suffer with feelings of abandonment, jealousy and anger .

                               

I get told by my siblings "Hey, keep us posted" when things with our mom's health go wrong... and I wonder what does that really mean? In the past year I have grown to hate that line and I have grown a bit resentful of the ones who send it.

Almost everyone I know is currently a caregiver or has recently lost a parent after a long battle.  My best friend got married and shorty after the wedding rented a home where both her Mom and her father-in-law came to live as well. Both parents have chronic illnesses and one of the parents has proven especially difficult as his behavior has regressed to the point of hateful actions and these are a deep concern for my friend.

In the last year a woman has attended our church with her wheel chair bound Mother. Her Mom is fiesty and has some comical quirks...like at times wheeling her chair to the front where the pastor is preaching and for all intent and purposes tries to run him down......(Ok, I may be exaggerating a bit) She sings her own worship songs in her her own key and has snuck a few cigarettes in the woman's bathroom. Her daughter doesn't let her mom's physical and other issues stop her. She has found a sort of balance in her life and decided that staying home and living a life of a hermit martyr is not for her. She goes to church. She attends women's functions and even went on the women's retreat...all with Mom lovingly in tow. 

My other friend who has bad health issues and a full time job would go everyday to take care of her mother...even though there were two other siblings living in her mother's home who could have helped.Later she moved her mother in with her and cared for her until her Mom passed away.

Yet another is caring for a elderly friend who has family, but are not very involved .

and there are so many others.

I gain strength knowing that they have been through or are going through this too.

I try to find moments of happiness and small blessings

I pray and tell all the stinking thinkin' thoughts and self doubt to take a hike....

Like Glinda said to the Wicked Witch..."You have no power here, be gone"

I cry...a lot

I pray...a lot

I push myself to spend time whenever I can with friends or at the very least keep connected through texts and phone calls. If I get an hour free... I rejoice and use every second for something that will lift my spirits. I'll read, watch a favorite episode of an old tv show or I take the time to write.

 I care for my Mom as best I can and remember to find the joy in doing so...and when I see that smile on my mom's face... I praise God that she still feels joy.

For as long as She has left in this world...I want her to be happy. and if I can be a bit responsible for that happiness ...well then that will be a blessing I'll hold with me for the rest of my life.

 

Journals of My Life

 

             Just in case you're wondering, no, there was no snow ball fight. The kids woke up extra early to help their dad clear the drive way yet again. All three were out there (both kids and their dad). I was inside making breakfast. Lyme disease has done a number on my joints so the Hubster insists that shoveling snow is not something I should do too often. 

Today was not a good day.

I was off.... you know?

I have those days where I feel like I'm being squeezed so hard by life. It's all I can do to take a deep breath.  Its such a weird time. Still caring for my little family and having the responsibility of having to care for an elderly parent. There are ways I use to combat that choking feeling and one of them has always been writing.

I look back at the little girl I was and sometimes I feel so sorry for her. There she was all alone in her room never being able to share her thoughts and fears with anyone. I was bullied, so I never really fully trusted people that I thought were friends.. The few times I had...I inevitably would hear my private thoughts being retold back to me by someone else in a mocking way. My innermost wishes, fears and crushes of the week were poured instead into journals. It became a form of self care. If I didn't write my thoughts down, I'd feel almost non existent. It was as if the words on paper made everything I was feeling and going through real. I was real!

                             source

I have kept a journal since I was 13 years old. I have books filled with life as I saw and felt it. I just finished another book and lately I have wondered what will happen to all these books later on? I certainly do not want anyone I know to read them. Those pages were meant for that other part of me. The spiritual Joanne that would carry my innermost secrets away into the universe where God would turn them into glittery space dust.  

                                                                                   

Maybe when It is my turn to leave this world I will put in in writing that I want my books burned and the ashes buried in the ground so that my thoughts will become part of  nature. My words would find their way to twisting roots...and who knows, maybe if people look very closely at the leaves and flower petals they will see etched there the words of my dreams and laments..... and wouldn't that be a wonderous mystery.

Did you keep a diary/journal? Do you still?

First Big Snow Storm of 2022

 

                     Well, tonight we're getting our first significant snow storm of the season. Its officially a Nor' easter an its giving us a walloping. It just started and its not supposed to slow down til tomorrow night. Winds are expected to be 50 miles an hour. 

Next day:

When the kids were little I loved storms like this. We'd hunker down and play games and sometimes camp out in the living room if the power went out.

But now they are in their 20's and both have jobs that require them to show up no matter what. The roads are quiet except for the scraping of the snow plow that came by earlier. As i put the ketle on I wonder  why is it that hot chocolate always tastes better on days like this?

Yesterday and today I made sure my own mom had everything she needs for the next few days. She didn't want to wait out the storm at my home. She's warmer in her apartment.

We woke up to this...

                               

                                                             the front of my home

  

and this

                                                  my daughter's car

and this...

                                                       

son's car

and this.....

                                                    

                                                         There's a back yard there somewhere

and this...                                               

No, its not a picture of a baby parrot hatching out of an egg

I guess the snow on the roof is a little too much on my small kitchen extension. We now have a leak on our ceiling.

So instead of playing in the snow with our kids like in the old days; they helped us dig out a bit.

But tomorrow....I can promise you I WILL be starting a snowball fight with my family. I don't care how old they all think they are.

                            

                                                       source

Stay-Home-From-School Day

 

               It's a cloudy cold day here on the East Coast. Its the kind of day where you just want to stay home, put on a thick blanket hoodie, watch old movies and eat homemade soup.

Yeah Its that kind of day. Stay-home-from school day. The kind where you weren't so sick you suffered, but sick enough for Mom to say..." Go back to bed, no school for you today"

                   

                                   source

I find myself yearning for that feeling of comfort and safety.

Did you have those days?

When I stayed home from school in the winter my mom always made a home-made soup for me.

Depending on what I was suffering from; It was either a simple broth or it was loaded with potatoes, ham or chicken. She substituted rice for noodles because she knew I hated when the noodle got really mushy. Yuck.

We watched Lets Make a Deal

                              

                                                       source

I slept for as long as I wanted

and.........

Ok, sorry for the interruption. Reality pushed in.  I had to stop typing to do grown up crap like clean and gasp at the time...and ultimately wonder what's for dinner. Cook,...groan at the laundry and then try to do it all again for my elderly mom.

I'm tired.

I need a stay-home-from-school sick day from 1972

Can I make a go fund me page for that?

...and if it's possible I want a baby blue Lanz flannel nightgown so I can pretend to be Laura Ingalls from Little house on the prairie, 

                                    

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 ...and can someone throw in the Barbie Dream House that I always wanted too?....just sayin'.                       

                  

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Here's to sweet memories of having Mom all to myself and cheering for whoever won the grand prize behind door #3.

                                             

                     

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Christmas 2021 Was a Bit Different

 

         Welp.... this "finding joy right where I am" thing is getting a bit hard. 

Serves me right for trying this at Christmas time. I mean what was I thinking? 

                     

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Everyone is getting sick with covid.

It seems everyday I hear of another friend or their family member at home with covid.

Right now I know of two friends and two friend's kids with it and then my own young adult child woke up feeling crappy. Its hard to get an appointment to get tested. 

My friends who work in the medical field are overwhelmed with cases.

My own daughter who works in a clinic says they are overrun with people needing tests and care. She came down with it right after Thanksgiving.

As it turns out, my son came down with Covid and so did my Husband. Unfortunately, My husband ended up in the ER on Christmas morning due to a scary complication.

I was not allowed to be there with him.

Thank God, he was out by late afternoon and we celebrated Christmas really late, fully masked and more than adequate distance from each other. With the help of my Instant Pot, Christmas dinner was made in record time and was eaten by my hubster and my son in their rooms... and my daughter and I ate together. My elderly mom stayed in her apartment safe from the scare of Covid, but still enjoyed a full Christmas meal I made for her. 

Then continued the insane task of caring for my quarantined family and elderly mom.

and this is where the finding of that elusive joy came in.

I was grateful that no family member got worse.

I was grateful that I had the energy to care for my family.

I was grateful that I or my mother did not get Covid as well.

I was also so grateful for the help of my sweet daughter as she pitched in to help with everything that needed to be done.

So my Joy came in the form of strength and endurance when usually I struggle with those very things.

I hope you have a healthy start to the new year and tell me...did you find joy today?

                    

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Cuppa Tea

 

                    So, Here I am 5:30pm... have no idea what to cook for dinner, and still have presents to buy...AND still have laundry and all the other crappity crap that I have to do.

So what do i do instead?

I'm having a cuppa tea

and a slice of baguette bread with butter.

and I'm not going to stress and I'm not going to have a meltdown.

PROGRESS

because if this was any other year I'd be drowning into a lake of my own tears.

I refuse this season of "Joy and Peace" to steal my joy and peace.

So while i sip my tea, i will think on dinner and decide.

The stores are opened really late tonight and so i will venture out a bit later.

Win-Win

Join me in a cuppa

Blessings, Joanne

Movie Monday #1

 

           I watch a movie last night. It was titled Hichki free on Amazon Prime. It was subtitled and it was about a teacher in India with Tourettes Syndrome. The actors that played the parts of her trouble-making class were amazing. I don't want to write too much about it so as not to spoil the story, but if you are tired of movies filled with violence and gratuitous sex scenes this is a good one for you!  Its funny, sad, sappy, and This one will make you smile.

Stars stunning actress Rani Muerji as Naina Mathur

Let me know if you like it!

Blessings, Joanne

Soooo, Um....Yep

 

                    So, Um... yep......

For months I've tried and thats all I come up with. I've had nothing to write.

This is because so many trying, stressful, sad and disappointing things have happened.

The Disease ..(of which I shall not be named...I'm following Harry Potter's lead) Has cause, devastation, havoc, hatred, turmoil and fear.

We have all lost someone or something.

And when it came to this tiny insignificant blog...I lost my fire for writing.

I just couldn't find anything happy to write about.

I kept waiting for the joy to come back.

Where are you joy?

                                             

I waited 

     I waited after my friend died

         I prayed joy for others 

     I reminisced as I struggled to accept the death of dear friend's beautiful son.

      I struggled to remember it as I now take care of my elderly Mom.

     Plans have changed for everyone. It's like we're all holding our breath.

Days ago I came to a desicion.

I was not going to wait for joy to knock on my door like a long lost friend.

I was going to find Joy...right where I am.

I was going to find it everyday, anywhere.

Joy may be small, and a struggle to find...as she likes to play hide and seek lately.

I've been tagged "it" (no relations to that scary clown guy)

.....and I will find her.

Today, My joy came from waking up to find that my sink was spotless.

I have been struggling with keeping up on my household and inevitably dishes were left in the sink.

Not today.

Last night I pushed through the weariness I felt and shined that sink like the "Fly Lady" suggests. It was a great feeling.

There, That was a great start.

I know it may not seem like much...but it brought a smile to my face and just writing about it makes me feel good too.

Hey, there might be something to this....

I'm not going to stress out about the "have to's" today. You know what I mean..."The have to's" are all the things we all have to do. I will not dread them. I will instead turn them into me blessing my Mom, my kids and husband.

and when I do that...I feel blessed too.

Where have you found Joy today? Go find her....you're "it"