Father's Day is this Sunday and so I have decided to dedicated this week to Dads. Some of these posts might be funny and or sweet or make you misty eyed, but know this they come from my heart. Dads are the unsung heroes. They are the fixers of broken toys and killer of scary bugs. They yell at us when teaching us how to drive and cry when they walk their angels down the aisle. They surround us with comfort and safety, but yet they push our bike and let go just when they think we can handle it on our own.
My Father was in the hospital and he was dying.
MY Dad was in the hospital and he was dying
My Daddy was in the hospital and he was dying. My Daddy.
The panic that ran through every vein, every fiber of my body was causing me to have sort of tunnel vision. Seconds melded into minutes which melded into hours then days then weeks. I don't remember if we even ate let alone cleaned or even did laundry.
He was in a confused state at times. Sometimes he would talk about people that would come to visit him...they had long since died. Mom later said that it was probably not his imagination, but his family coming to accompany him to heaven.
I didn't want him to go. I was mad at God for taking him. He was such a good Dad...why him? why not the rapists or the murderers? Why My Dad?
The hospital he was in was horrible. I will try to remember the caring nurses and I will try to forget the neglect and the sub par treatment he received because it is too much for me to bear. It caused us to stay with him for 24 hour shifts just so that he would be given proper care. Just a few days before he slipped into a coma never to awaken again; he spoke to me...just me.
There we were....a twenty something-year-old who felt like a child ; And a Father who knew that he was going to leave her soon.
He said " You know in this life if you have love and your health...you've got everything. If you love and have people that love you and you're healthy then that's worth more than anything."
I was a very rich man." Then he looked straight at me and asked "Do you know what I mean?"
"Do you? I want you to remember that OK?"
"Yes, Dad" He wanted me to know that he was going to be OK...That everything was going to be OK. He wanted me to know that he was happy with how his life turned out. He didn't want me to hurt. His last thoughts were of his kids. He was worried about us. He had his Moment with my Brothers, but I never asked what was shared.
A little over a week later he was gone. He was a "regular guy" he used to say. He worked hard all his life. He loved his kids and his wife and God. He had a great sense of humor and loved nature even though he spent most of his life in the city. He was tough and didn't put up with alot of nonsense, but he had a soft spot in his heart for all animals... and another thing...there was NEVER a place that he went to that he didn't make a friend.
He never got to meet my husband
He never got to walk me down the aisle....but in a way he did because I tucked a picture of him in my bouquet.
He never got to meet his grand kids
But they know him because I tell them stories and I tell them how much he would have loved them.
One day my Daughter was about four or five and asked where my Dad was. I told her he died.
She then came over to me and wrapped her little arms around me and said "Momma I'm sorry you don't have a Daddy anymore." My heart melted. As little as she was she could not fathom not having a Dad.
My Dad's last words to me have echoed many times in my life and I am grateful to God for those last few moments. As for me I am Grateful to that "Regular Guy" who was thankful for love and family, and because he was a perfect example of what a good man should be.......I married a good man....and because I married a good man; he is a great example for our Son and (with God's help)...my Son will one day be a good man too.
It's been 22 years and I have since been able to think of my Dad and smile and laugh at the memories; I can tell stories about him most of the time without a lump in my throat. But sometimes....sometimes....I can't.
Father's Day is Sunday and during that day I know that something will happen that will make me smile and think of him...but now... right now I just miss him so much that my tears make it hard to see the keyboard.
I guess I will always be a Daddy's Girl.