When I was little my Mom taught me the things I needed to learn to be a proper young lady
#1 She told me that a proper lady does not laugh loudly in public
#2 She told me that a lady always sits with her knees locked together so that no one sees any hint of one's shangrila
#3 A lady must wear clothes that aren't too revealing.
My Poor Mom....she tried.
OK, I try too, but I always mange to get myself in unintentional embarrassing situations.
Last week we were camping right? Well, towards the end of the week my husband decided that we would take the kids to a water park. Now I say Hubby decided this because Lord knows that being in a bathing suit in front of hoards of people was not my first choice of things to do that day, but what the heck "I'm in. It'll be fun" I thought...ok hoped.
The kids were excited... they had never been to a real water park before. We get there and already I was feeling a bit out of sorts 'cause this is what I saw in front of me
While I felt like this
No worries, I am there with my family and we are going to have a good time. We grabbed some huge donut floaty things and off to climb to the top for our water ride. My daughter and I got to the top and when it was her turn she gracefully sat on the donut and away she went laughing with delight.
My turn. I got into the water with my floaty thingy and already I couldn't figure out how to get into that donut. (remember rule #2) But it's impossible. I am told I gotta straddle this thing and put my butt in the hole of the donut.
"In there? I ask
"Yep" the male attendant patiently tells me
"OK" I said and I gingerly plop my buns of un-toned flabbiness into the donut. He pushed me straight away and I had no time to adjust myself. (Rule #2! Rule #2!!) I am now in a birthing position careening down the rapids while my butt (which has been sucked into this hole ) gets pulled even further into the donut from hell. The knees wont budge! I kind of feel like a turtle on its back.....wearing a tankini.
I hit every bump and lump along the way. Down down down these twists and turns I rode all the while thinking...
"How the heck am I going to get out of this thing? Are they going to call for back-up? Are they going to have to carry me and this donut onto a waiting ambulance to cut me out of it in some ER? I'm totally gonna be on You tube."
A bit further and I saw the the last part of the ride was this big drop. My stomach churned a bit as I hit it with light speed and a tsunami splash signals the end. Phew! Thank God it's done...well not quite....
As a result from all this I was sporting a super atomic half wedgie that I had to try and fix before I got out of the ride I'm sure a large sucking sound was heard as I pried myself out of the donut and fixed my bathing suit. I can almost guarantee that I flashed my untanned half moon to quite a number of unsuspecting patrons of the park (rule #3) My daughter was waiting and when I told her of my plight she just started to laugh and I soon followed with snorts and guffaws (rule #1)